Stupid Bosses

So, my manager has some narcissism issues that provide me with some of the best cocktail hour stories around. It’s also really sad, though, so during the times when I am not frustrated with her, I do have some sympathy for her. An example:

One of my manager’s favorite things to do is to come into my cube and talk for a half hour about herself, regardless of what I’m doing or how busy I look. One day, just to get a respite from her nonstop chattering, I decided to interrupt her to get her out of my cube. So, randomly I said, “Have you seen my new wallet?” She looked at me, blinked a couple of times and said, “Have you seen mine?”

When I said no, she ran into her office (literally ran), brought the wallet out and showed it to me. I said, “Is that a new wallet?” She said, “No, it’s two years old.”

Whaaa?

More that that, though, to make sure I didn’t try to get any attention with my wallet, she went to everyone’s cube in the department, showing them her two-year-old wallet.

She’s seriously mental. I realize it could be worse, though, so as long as I nod and smile, I can get through most days. I’m sure a lot of people out there can relate to the MeMe’s.

Stupid CoWorkers

I worked as systems administrator for a complete and utter fool at a law firm. This guy called himself a “computer specialist” and even had brochures printed that touted his computer expertise. Yet he BARELY knew what a computer was. This wouldn’t have worked but for the fact that his cohorts, the other attorneys, were even dumber than he was. The best description of that syndrome I ever ran across was the saying “in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.”

So we got a computer network on the Doofus’ recommendation. This was about 1992 so it wasn’t anything as modern as the networks today. He said we needed to network because we needed to have email capabilities. Just inter-office email, internet email was too new and not even considered. So we networked. Then when it came down to the end, they found out that to buy the licenses and have network versions of the software, which was needed for us to be able to have email, would cost $1,200 more. So the Doofus made the decision that we would then NOT get the network version and he ordered me to borrow the stand-alone version of the software from the office of my friend who worked in a nearby office. I complied and eventually wrote a Word Perfect Macro that accessed a DOS command and ran a Novell Network broadcast message that you could customize. It was like an inter-office instant message. Forever after the Doofus called this “our email system.”

It gets worse. One day, he went to a bar association seminar on computer piracy and came back all pumped up on this new knowledge. He marched straight to my desk to announce to me that he had learned about computer piracy and “it is a bad thing”. He said “We have to make sure we never do that.” I was momentarily stunned and then said “But we do that all the time” and I explained the things we’d been doing that he personally had ordered me to do (buying one copy of software and installing it on all 35 computers, borrowing software from other law firms, etc.) I said “If we did any more of this, I’d have to have a patch on my eye and a parrot on my shoulder.” The sad thing is, I don’t know for sure that he really understood it.

Not long after that, our network crashed briefly and I had to reset it all and I had the receptionist page everyone that they needed to reboot their computers. Guess who called me to see what that meant? You guess it, the DOOFUS!!!

Stupid Criminals

Clearly, the Laptop Bandit slept through most of his courses at the Criminal Mastermind Academy.

Had he paid better attention, he likely would have learned that it’s never a good idea to stare at a video camera, sans mask, when committing a burglary.

Detectives said the middle-aged crook has stolen at least a dozen laptops from five Center City businesses in recent weeks.

Police said the heists began on March 20 and continued through April 1 at businesses near Market Street, from 22nd to 30th streets.

But when the bandit burglarized the accounting offices of Milligan and Company, LLC, on 22nd Street near Arch, on March 27, police said, he stared directly at an office security camera as he made off with several laptops.

Police said he showed up on tape in the building several days later, once again walking off with about four laptops.

Investigators said they hope the clear images will quickly lead them to the not-so-brilliant bandit. The burglaries have occurred after the businesses had closed for the day. Cops said the crook uses a slim-jim device to break the locks on double glass doors.

Stupid CoWorkers

I am a middle-aged woman but nevertheless pursued my college education while raising a child and working temp when needed. I recently received my BA in an Asian language, but due to illness right after graduation and the sucky economy all I could get was a temp job at a bank. Due to the “confidential” nature of the position (an admin in commercial loans) it had to be filled by a regular bank employee and not a temp. Well, my stupidvisor, “Yvette”, encouraged me to apply, buttered me up at every opportunity by telling me she perceived me as an intelligent, competent woman and urged me to “take ownership” of the job, (which I did, I absolutely kicked ass and the whole department knew it,) put me through not one but two rigorous panel interviews and during the process, would tell me things to encourage my hope of being hired, like “it’s looking good” and “believe in yourself” (visualize conspiratorial wink here) she even coached me for the 2nd interview. This is a woman who goes to every smoke break with the office creep, a guy I’ll call “Bob” with a mullet and tattooed forearms, whose idea of “teasing” is to throw things at me and he whines if I put daily reports in his inbox instead of on his keyboard(what the f*ck does he have an inbox for then?) and if I have the audacity to leave my desk to use the restroom (“I called your desk twice and you weren’t there!”) It’s called voice mail, butthead. I almost asked him if he needed me to follow him to the men’s room and wipe his widdle bum for him. When Yvette was out sick I was subjected to daily abuse from Bob, and knew that since those two are practically doing the nasty I didn’t dare report him, I would just have to put up with his crap or risk not getting a badly needed full time job. But I am digressing from this toxic woman who is best described by every synonym for “vagina” you’ve ever heard. Because yesterday, she told me the hiring decision that she made me wait 3 weeks for: she did not choose me, (there were 2 or 3 other managers involved in the decision but somehow, her being lowest rank gave her the deciding vote) but an internal candidate, (of course,) a “stellar” young man and she went on at some length singing his praises and revealed that the decision had been made several days before I was told (obviously so she could get as much work out of me as possible.) Well since there had been so much buildup and she’d made me feel that my being hired would be a sure thing, I couldn’t conceal my disappointment. She then became thoroughly smarmy, assumed I would stay two more weeks to help her with a project but she understood if I chose not to stay two weeks beyond that to train Mr. Stellar. This all happened Friday afternoon, I said nothing but do not plan to return except to gather the rest of my personal belongings which I was too distraught to collect before I left for the day, and to gladly surrender the temp badge I was compelled to wear. I’m perfectly happy to let Bright Boy figure out everything on that desk that no one else but me knows how to do. That is, after he serves out his 2 week notice from his current position, in the meantime, lying sack of shit, douchebag Yvette can certainly handle it! (cackle)”

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