Customer: “Two.”
Me: “For which movie?”
Customer: *silence*
Me: “Which movie would you like to see?”
Customer: *silence*
Me: “Can you hear me?”
Customer: “Yes, I said two!”
Me: “I heard that, but you have to tell me which movie you want to see before I can sell you a ticket.”
Customer: “Oh, I have to pick one?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “Well how should I know what I want to see? I haven’t seen any of them yet!”
Customer: “My wife and I were wondering if it would be okay to bring our chihuahua in while we eat?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but health department rules say we can’t allow any animals other than service animals in the restaurant.”
Customer: “Oh, okay. That’s no problem.”
(He leaves, then comes back in with his wife and a dog-shaped bulge underneath his shirt. My manager, who had overheard the conversation, comes to the register.)
Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s a violation of health code to have the dog in the restaurant.”
Customer: “What dog?”
(The dog then pokes his head out of the customer’s shirt.)
Customer: *stammering* “Well, uh, he’ll stay right here. He won’t get out. He’s very clean and has good manners!”
(A wet spot begins to appear on the man’s shirt.)
Customer: “Maybe I’ll just go through the the drive thru…”
(A customer and his wife come in to find an outfit for her to wear. He seems particularly interested in one that’s being worn by a mannequin.)
Me: “Can I help you, sir?”
Customer: “I was wondering if you have the outfit on the mannequin?”
Me: “Unfortunately, I sold the last one earlier today. The one the mannequin is wearing is the only one I have.”
Customer: “Well, why can’t you just give me that one then?”
Me: “I can, but I do have another almost identical outfit in stock.”
Customer: “No, I want that one!”
Me: “Okay, sir.”
(I start dragging the mannequin to the back.)
Customer: “Where are you going?”
Me: “City law says I can’t undress her in front of the windows, sir.”
Customer: “Well, why can’t I have that one?”
Me: “Sir?”
Customer: “I want the one on the mannequin!”
Me: “That’s what I’m doing sir.”
Customer: “I WANT THE ONE ON THE MANNEQUIN!”
(His wife suddenly appears from another part of the store.)
Customer’s wife: “He just wants to see the mannequin naked.”
Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find a certain section?”
Customer: “I’m looking for a card.”
Me: “Okay. What type of card?”
Customer: “Well, there is this guy and he is my friend…but not really…and I want to get him a special card.”
Me: “Okay, I’m not sure I understand. Do you want a friendship card?”
Customer: “No. Oh my God, he would hate that! It’s just that…we’re friends, but not really. Like, we’re more than friends.”
Me: “So, your boy–”
Customer: “OH, GOD NO! He’s not my boyfriend. We just have a lot of sex, and I want to get him a card…for that.”
Me: “Ma’am…I don’t think we actually make ‘Sex Buddy Cards’.”
Customer: *long pause*
Me: “Maybe a ‘Thank You’ card?”
Customer: *runs from store*