Stupid CoWorkers

May 20, 2007

I worked as a secretary for a very insecure paralegal in a law firm. Everything I did and said as a personal affront and a personal attack. She was convinced that I was out to get her job — a thankless piece of crap job that no one in their right mind would want. She would bring me assignments and this is an actual conversation we had:

HER: Here are three files, I have tapes with each one and I want the one on top first and then the next one and then the next one.

ME: Okay, sure, I will get right on the first one and then do the next one and the next one.

HER: I SAID I wanted the first one, are you TRYING to get cute with me?

ME: No, I said I would do just what you asked me to do.

HER: Shoots me dirty look and tromps off. Calls her buddy the office manager and my “insubordination” goes in my file.

Her work was dreadful, her command of the English language terrifyingly inadequate, her grammar appalling and when she’d dictate, she couldn’t read words of more than about 2 syllables. She was trying to dictate summaries of depositions of people in medical malpractice cases and her mangling of the words was simply unbelievable. I was in the sad situation of “do I correct her or not?” There was no right answer. If I corrected her, then I was trying to act like I was better than her and she would quickly react. But if I didn’t correct her, her boss would react with scathing comments and she’d blame me.

Stupid CoWorkers
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Stupid Tech Support

July 6, 2006

I work in the technical support department for a national ISP. One day, I was listening to the conversation of a tech next to me talking to a very frustrated woman. Apparently she had been having trouble getting online with our software, and the previous tech had her go into Dial-up Networking to create a new connection and get her online, so she could then download our software. That, amazingly, had been successful, but she was calling back to complain that when she had finished downloading the software and opened the CDROM drive, there was nothing in there.

The tech replied, in his thick Australian accent, “Ma’am, this is not a vending machine.”

Stupid Tech Support
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Stupid Students

March 28, 2006

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!”

They both jumped back, silenced. “What the…” the teacher said. I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: “Don’t touch me!”

Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”

Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!”

Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

Stupid Students
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Stupid Friends

January 17, 2006

I know someone who lives right down the street. One day she was walking along and struck up a conversation with my Mom. I had nothing to do and was overhearing it. The topic went to dogs. Then she said, “You know, there is this really strange thing that happens every time I drive to school. I pass this street and there is this dead dog. And once I get out of school and pass the street again, someone moved the dog. It’s really weird! Every day someone moves this dead dog back and forth!” So, one day, we drove down that street to get to the supermarket, and remembering that conversation looked down the street and saw the dog laying there. The dog wasn’t dead, it was sleeping!

Stupid Friends