Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”
Tech Support: “What does it say?”
Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”
Customer: “You people owe me a new computer.”
Tech Support: “You’re having trouble with your computer? What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “Well, I bought some memory from you people, and ever since I installed it into my computer, it’s been doing nothing but making grinding noises, and nothing works anymore!”
Tech Support: “Grinding noises?? It shouldn’t be doing that!”
Customer: “I know that! That’s why you people owe me a new computer, and I’m going to charge you for lost downtime and my inconvenience.”
Grinding noises from SIMMs? This was a new one.
Tech Support: “Sir, did you install those chips yourself or did someone do it for you?”
Customer: “I’m not an idiot! I did it myself. I put them right in that slot in the front of the computer, smart aleck.”
Sometime in the late 1990s, I had a friend who was an Amiga fanatic and would spend hours telling us how they were the most powerful, versatile, flawless machines ever conceived by man.
I went with him when he bought his new A-4000 and some 3D modelling software. He told us how it will render true 3D in almost real time. I shrugged, watched him set the thing up, and load the software. He fed the thing a wireframe and gave it some textures and background elements. Six days later, the computer finished rendering the first frame.
He explained later that he discovered he only had 2 megs of RAM and had ordered 4. “Isn’t that still kind of pathetic?” I asked. “My girlfriend’s HP has 16.”
He said, “Well, Amigas use everything so much more efficiently, so it compares to a PC with gigabytes of RAM. It’s enough to hack your IBM through the power outlet.”
I gave up all sense of restraint and must have laughed for 20 minutes.
I was in our University Bookstore the other day looking at software when I overheard a salesman talking to a lady about an iMac.
Salesman: “It has a built in color monitor and comes with a mouse and keyboard–”
Customer: “Does this thing come with a battery backup system?”
Salesman: “No, but we have one over there for $99.00. Do you have problems with power outages?”
Customer: “No, but I don’t want to lose all of my Microsoft documents everytime I turn off the computer!”
Salesman: “You don’t need a battery backup for that. That’s why it has a 4 gigabyte hard drive.”
Customer: “A hard what?”
Salesman: “A hard drive. It’s like a whole bunch of floppy disks inside your computer that you can store documents on.”
Customer: “I want the battery backup.”
Salesman: “You don’t need it.”
Customer: “Why?”