CoWorker #1: Give me some jelly beans.
CoWorker #2: Fuck you! (pause) And don’t call me jelly beans.
Stupid Customers
After sending an ad mockup to a client for approval, I had a follow-up phone call about the design. The client (marketing director at a major magazine) said “It needs to look more like the actual magazine.”
Me: If someone on your end could send us the magazine’s fonts, that would help a lot.
Client: Can you spell that for me?
Me: …F-O-N-T-S.
Client: Am I supposed to know what that is?
Stupid Customers
(I’m work as a technical support agent for a satellite TV company. I get a call where I hear a baby screaming in the background.)
Me: “Thank you for calling Technical Support. How are you doing this evening?”
Customer: “Hello? Yes? I need to speak to someone in the technical department.”
Me: “Yes ma’am, this is the technical department, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Hi, I’m babysitting for a woman, and she has a one year old. I’ve never actually babysat a baby before, and I can’t figure out how to get the diaper off so I can change him! These things have some sort of electronic lock or something on them right so the baby can’t take them off?”
Me: “Ma’am, this is customer support for satellite television, not a child care line.”
Customer: “But you are a technical guy right?! You should be able to help me out! Is there somewhere I can put a code in or something? Come on!”
Me: “Ma’am, again I apologize, but this is a technical support line for satellite television. I really can’t help you.”
Customer: “Please, I’m begging you! I want to get paid for this job! if I don’t change his diaper and he gets a rash or something, I’m going to be in big trouble!”
Me: “Have you tried peeling back the two little tapes on the front of the diaper?”
(I hear the customer pause for a second, and then I hear the tell tale ripping noise of the diaper tapes being peeled away.)
Customer: “Wow! You’re a genius! It came right off! Did you press a little button or something on your end?”
Stupid CoWorkers
Oblivious female office worker: I really like getting adjusted. Some people say it hurts, but to me it feels so good! A good release of tension.
Male office worker: “Adjusted.” Is that what they call it now?
Oblivious female office worker: Yep, it has many names. I see my chiropractor for an adjustment two or three times a week.