Stupid CoWorkers

“I worked as a head of an IT department in a smaller insurance company. I’ve worked there only part time, or as needed (the team consisted of 2 people :)). I was about 22 at that time. We had this “game” we played with my collegue, and a good friend – once in a while I’d tell him after, say, he came back from lunch – “Joseph, such and such called, you’re supposed to go to him/her immediately, he has some problem…” and off he went ..and came back like “You moron! :))” So I teased him quite a lot like this. As we did this more and more, we went to higher positions – like President of the company called, head of such and such department called etc.. Of course you never got to talk to the real bosses – only to their secretaries to find out that…no, they didn’t call you.

ONE DAY THOUGH, I came back from lunch and he tells me – vice-president’s secretary called, that the vice president needs to discuss this and that with you (he made up something pretty believable). So I went and thought – if she hadn’t called, the secretary will tell me. I came to the big boss’ place and the secretary was on the phone and just waived at me like “Alright, go on the vice-presidents office” or just maybe she meant “No, dont’ go, they have a meeting and I didnt’ call you!”. Anyways – I went in. There was a meeting there with the bosses of all departments – there were like 5 people, in a fairly small office, all siting in front of this big boss’ desk. They were discussing something..so I took a chair from accross the room and sat down and listened and took notes for like 5 minutes. Then the vice-president interupted the speaker and she asked – “Yes Daniel, what can we do for you?” I was like – I dont’ know…tell me, what I can do for you.. and she just looked for a second at me ..and then it hit me…DAMN it – she didnt’ call me

It wasn’t all that funny then, but now I get a great laugh from this story.”

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Stupid Salespeople

I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information. So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I’d just give her my credit card number and be on my way. Almost.

Saleswoman: “Do you realize that the modem you’ve chosen doesn’t have sound support?”

Customer: “What exactly does a ‘modem with no sound support’ mean?”

Saleswoman: “It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won’t be able to hear it.”

Customer: “What does the modem have to do with that?”

Saleswoman: “Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet.”

Customer: “So, you’re telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?”

Saleswoman: “Yes.”

Customer: “How does it accomplish this feat?”

Saleswoman: “I’m not technical enough to answer that. Please hold.”

I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.

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Stupid CoWorkers

“I work for a major medical school, Dept. of Psychiatry, and travel to state prisons to conduct psychiatric assessments of prisoners with mental health designations preparing to parole. Understand me: crazy and very dangerous men. In January, a corrections officer was murdered by a psych inmate and the state issued a state-wide emergency lockdown of all prisons, allowing entry to only “essential personnel.” I was inside a Level 4 (of 4) maximum security prison. Unbeknownst to me, the supervisors of my program phoned all my colleagues and ordered them to return home for their personal safety. Everyone except me. My phone was working, I was know to be in the prison, etc. Because I was known in the prison, I continued to work the full week, where it was tense, emotional, creepy. Inmates cheered the murder and corrections officers assaulted inmates. Trust me, I shouldn’t have been there. Upon return home and returning to the office, I was asked where I had been. I told them and my colleagues were shocked: “Didn’t you get the call?” Obviously not. It was disconcerting, to say the least, that I could be unaccounted for a full work week under a state-wide emergency conditions. At the staff meeting I made a very emphatic point about being left behind (a supervisor insisted she called & I immediately had my officemate call my cell phone to show it was operating), and I complained about not having the proper safety equipment (e.g. stab-proof vest), or the information necessary to make safety decisions in my best interest. The director said we will take this to a committee, and I said I would take it to my Union. Little of this has been resolved. 5 months later, I made a half-ass application for a supervisory position one hour before the process closed. I am by far the best trained and best experienced clinician in the program. The only other person who applied was a woman who is a knucklehead, no sense of evidenced-based medicine, uses “crystals”, “breath work,” shares personal information with sociopathic inmates trying to have a “connecting moment.” I believe they were pissed that I applied. This past thursday, I was called into the director’s office and served with “Written Warning” for “insubordination & unprofessional behaviour” because of the January staff meeting. When inquired why it took from January until June, they stated they had been too busy. Some of the issues included that I had called the supervisor “a name.” Whe I inquired as what it was, she stated, “naive.” The director asked if I was bold enough to tell the chairman of the Dept. of Psychiatry he was naive, and I responded “only if he were naive.” They were dramatically outraged. I offered to poll my peers as to their opinion, and was refused, and then suggested I would consult my attorney to depose everyone of my peers. At that point they were a bit more, shall we say, congenial. “Let’s not turn this into something contentious…” I ended this bullshit by saying, “You are playing me for a motherfucking fool; like I’m some chump from the street. Give me the paper and I’m gone.” They can’t fire me, but I certainly can’t be a supervisor with a disciplinary action. I’m no instigator, but don’t fuck with me.”

Stupid CoWorkers

“We have someone in our office (I’ll call her Ellie) who’ll do just about anything to get out of work, regardless of how morally deficient it might be.

Professionally, Ellie’s been called into The Bosses’ office for just about every charge you can imagine: poor time-keeping, extra long lunches, leaving early without completing the hours required of her, poor performance, excessive sick leave, etc. She won’t come into work if she a) is hung-over, b) has overslept or c) just can’t be bothered, and phones in with various lame excuses. We work in a lenient and laid back office, so to be called in by our mild mannered director takes quite some doing. Ellie was outraged by her poor appraisal this year and claimed that every bad mark against her was ‘someone else’s fault’. Naturally!

Ellie sunk to an all-time low in work-avoidance in July. Her friend (let’s call her Franny) called Ellie in a state of distress because a male friend of Franny’s had been reported missing after the London tube bombings. It turned out that the poor man had actually been killed in one of the explosions. As soon as Ellie found this out, she turned on the “tears-&-quivering-lip” act and raced into our director’s office to explain that “a friend” of hers had perished in the attack and she needed the afternoon off. When asked by a colleague how well she knew the bomb victim, Ellie looked really panicky for a split-second and suddenly burst into floods of tears and ran out of the office (a great way to avoid answering those pesky tricky questions).

A few minutes after Ellie had done a runner, the same person asked another colleague how well Ellie knew the victim. Ellie happened to be returning from her sob session at that precise moment (literally RIGHT past the person who was asking the question) and totally ignored the question. Anybody else would’ve been very indignant about having their integrity questioned but, oddly, not Ellie. She chose to avoid answernig any questions about her relationship with her friend’s friend. A day or two later, another colleague made a callous joke about terrorists and Ellie blew up, chastising him for his insensitivity. About a week later (and in front of our entire office, for maximum effect) she sobbed inconsolably as a 2-minute silence was held for the bomb victims. However she was in the pub two hours later, cracking jokes about the bomb with a pint in her hand. As it turns out, she’d never met or spoken to the bomb victim in her entire life and used his death as an excuse to get out of work.

Life’s sweet when you’re a grifter…

When challenged by the bosses about how she blatantly spends all day surfing the internet and emailing her buddies, Ellie hotly denies it and has openly stated that if she’s ever accused by the company of poor performance in ANY respect, she won’t hesitate in claiming sexual discrimination because she happens to be gay. The truth is, she’s not once experienced problems from anyone here because of her sexuality.

Unbelievable.”

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