Stupid Bosses

I work for a small company – I mean really small. Basically it is the Owner, The Office Manager, and me, the Graphic Designer. When I took the job I was not aware that the Office Manager and the owner where dating. The Owner is never around and she acts like she is my boss – or “my boss through injection” as I like to call it. This would be fine if she was not such a total pain! Firstly, she makes edits to my work that the customer did not even request, just so that she can exercise her control-freak nature. Secondly, she is running the business into the ground…

Stupid Customers

(A guy comes in looking a bit haggard.)

Me: “Hi sir! Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Let’s move to the back of the store.”

(He takes my arm and we walk to one of the last shelves of the store.)

Customer: “I need a book on immortality.”

Me: “All right – we’ve got science fiction over here…”

Customer: “No, I need to research immortality. I’m immortal. See this scar on my neck? A guy cut me a couple days ago and it’s almost healed. I’m immortal.”

(I stare at the large cut on his neck that is laced together with stitches).

Me: “Um, I’m not sure if we have any books like that.”

Customer: “Well, can you buy me a sword from the store next door?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to do that.”

Customer: “I promise I’ll pay you back. I’ll give you my ID so you can track me down later and everything. I need a sword.”

Me: “Really, I could get fired for that.”

(The customer looks up and then starts sniffing the air.)

Customer: “They’re coming. I have to go!” *runs out of the store*

“““““

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Stupid CoWorkers

Copywriter to purchasing manager: Why don’t you celebrate birthdays?

Purchasing manager: I hate birthdays.

Copywriter: But that’s how you celebrate life.

Purchasing manager: It’s not the only way to celebrate life.

Copywriter: Well, how do you celebrate life?

Purchasing manager, emphasizing through gesture: Masturbate.

Stupid Students

In what seems more and more like another life, some 15 years ago, I was an assistant in a computer lab belonging to the computer science department of my university. The lab consisted of a bunch of 286 IBM PS/2s with only a 3.5″ floppy drive — they had to boot with an operating system disk and then put in the program disk, and so forth.

One day a student was having problems booting up the computer. I went to see what was happening, because she was becoming increasingly vocal about the quality of the hardware and the incompetence of the people (me) who were supposed to maintain it. I found that she was trying to boot off a floppy with no operating system. So I tried to tell her that she needed a DOS diskette to boot the computer.

* Her: “Why?”

* Me: “Well, because without the operating system the computer just cannot work.”

* Her: “But I don’t need the operating system.”

* Me: “I assure you, you do.”

* Her: “No, you don’t understand, I’ve already passed the operating systems exam. I’m preparing the coursework for simulation theory, so I don’t need an operating system. I already passed. Really.”

* Me: “I’m not talking about the exam. I am talking about the operating system for the computer.”

* Her: “Why on earth should I want to put an operating system on the computer when I have already passed the exam? I need to study simulation theory, not operating systems! The arrogance! Now you want to tell me what I should study? You don’t think I passed the exam on my merits alone? Huh?”

She stormed out of the lab and filed a formal complaint with the department’s secretary. The worst part was that I got reprimanded, because, apparently, the senior management didn’t know any better than she did. Yes, she graduated a couple of years later.