Stupid Customers

(I hear glass shattering from the back of the store, near the wine department. As I head to the source of the sound, I hear a second shatter and see a small child in a cart reaching for a third wine bottle to pull off the rack. There’s no sign of a parent around.)

Me: “Stop that!”

(I grab the cart and pull it away from the wine racks. Suddenly, the absent parent shows up.)

Customer: “How dare you touch that cart! My child is in that cart! How dare you touch my child without my permission!”

Me: “Ma’am, your child has broken 2 bottles of wine and was about to break a third bottle. I just saved you another $12.99.”

Customer: “Saved me? You’re the one trying to kidnap my child!”

Me: “Ma’am, you already owe me $26 for what happened when you were not watching your own child.”

Customer: “If you’re going to charge me money for bringing my child into the store, I should just let you take him!”

Stupid Things Overheard

Customer rep manager: Why is the internet down at the warehouse?

IT guy: I got two emails. One said it was because there was vandalism in a manhole and the wires got cut. Another said they were digging in a manhole and the wires accidentally got cut.

Openly gay purchasing manager: Stop saying “manhole.”

IT guy: Why? Does it get you excited?

Stupid Bosses

My boss is the most scatterbrained person I’ve ever known. He constantly changes plans halfway through tasks and wastes everyone’s time with useless meetings because he likes to hear himself talk. He doesn’t trust anything I say and usually asks me the same questions multiple times in a day. When he’s in a rush, he rushes everyone else and thinks outloud until it’s so painfully awkward I don’t know what to say. Most of our conversations end with me saying “Ok, all set?” because when he stops talking he sits in my office staring at me. I hate my boss.

Stupid Customers

(I work as a security officer in a mall. Every now and then, we’ll take shoppers to their cars in our “mall mobiles” as a public service.)

Me: “Hi, how are y’all doing?”

Husband: “Doing good. We just parked over there. We drive a black Lexus.”

(I’m unable to find the car in the parking lot the couple thought they parked in. I tell the other officers to help search for it in the other lots and garages.)

Wife: “What if the car got stolen?”

Me: “Well, you could file a report with us and the police.”

Wife: “That’s all? But what about our car?”

Me: “That’s all we can do, ma’am.”

(After a little over an hour, we finally declare the vehicle stolen.)

Wife: “Our car got stolen! How could you let this happen? What’s the point of you guys, anyway? You’re completely useless! We spend our money here so you guys can get paid, and you can’t even keep our cars from getting stolen! So useless!”

(They file a report with us as well as the city police, and they leave for home via taxi. After about an hour, the lieutenant comes over the radio.

Lieutenant: “You can forget about that report. That couple got home and found their car in their garage. They forgot they drove a different car tonight.”