Stupid Criminals

911 operators often get calls from people observing an impaired driver on the road. What makes the call Mary Strey made unique, is that she called 911 on herself.

“Somebody’s really drunk driving down Granton Road,” she told the 911 dispatcher.

The dispatcher asked if the Strey was behind the drunk driver, to which she replied “No, I am them.”

The dispatcher asked, “Okay, so you’re calling to report you’re driving drunk?”

“Yes,” Strey said.

The 911 operatorr told Strey to pull her vehicle over, and she complied. She waited for a deputy to arrive with her hazard lights flashing. According to the police report, Strey failed field sobriety tests, and a preliminary breath test showed she had a blood alcohol content of .19, more than twice the legal limit to drive.

She was given a citation for operating a vehicle with a prohibited alcohol content of .10 or more. She’s due in court in December, facing charges of first offense operating under the influence.

Stupid Things Overheard

Boss: Where have you been the past week?

Agent: I went fishing with friends.

Boss: Why?

Agent: I love fishing with friends, and I took a vacation.

Boss: Listen, I love fucking and drinking, but you don’t see me taking a week off to do that.

Stupid Customers

(I am a shift manager at a restaurant. I have many facial piercings, but always take them out for work.)

Me: “Hello this is the manager speaking, what seems to be the problem today?”

Caller: “I am calling to complain about one of your staff. They have horrendous facial piercings. It’s disgusting!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I must let you know that all of our staff are required to take out any piercings before starting their shift. What did this employee look like?”

Caller: “She looked like the devil! She had piercings in her lip nose and eyebrow!”

(I am the only one with these piercings, so she must be referring to me.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, are you sure you saw this employee at the restaurant?”

Caller: “No, she was at the supermarket!”

Me: “You’re calling about one of our employees while they were off duty?”

Caller: “Yes! She never has them on at your restaurant, so they must have fallen into my food!”

Me: *speechless*

Caller: “YOU’RE GETTING SUED!”

Stupid Things Overheard

Assistant #1: Do you know what they used to use to get the color in red velvet cake?

Assistant #2: Blood?

Assistant #1: No. Beets.

Assistant #2: That’s disgusting.

Supervisor: Compared to your guess?