Stupid Roommates

February 8, 2006

During my younger days in boarding school the majority of the student body had to have their teeth corrected some way. There were those who endured the pain of braces, the annoyance of retainers, and so on. However, some lucky students just had super model teeth. One friend of mine had the largest retainer I had ever seen. It looked like he had a tennis ball in his mouth. One evening while walking down the hall a fellow student asked what he had in his mouth. “It’s a retainer,” he replied. “Cool, whose is it?” This is the same student who when his friend was playing golf on the computer his friend yelled out, “Yippie, I got a hole in one!” His reply was, “Cool, in how many shots?”

Stupid CoWorkers

February 8, 2006

I am an Analyst/Project Manager for a large bank in Southern California. My current project is the design of a Windows based Cash Management System for clients of the bank to use. Below is an actual encounter I had with an Executive Vice President (EVP). The success of my system (as well as my career) requires sign-off from this cerebrally challenged individual.

EVP: John, your system does not work. I can’t get in.

Me: What seems to be the problem?

EVP: When I try to enter the system, I get an error message.

Me: What does the message say?

EVP: Password Expired, please enter new password in field below.

Me: And what are you doing when you get this message?

EVP: I just press enter and it kicks me out.

Me: Did you enter a new password?

EVP: No, should I?

Me: Yes, that’s why it is asking you for one.

The EVP follows directions for the first time as I walk him through it.

EVP: Hey, now it works. What did you do to the system?

Me: Nothing. It asked you to put in a new password. Now that you entered your new password you were able to get in. It won’t ask you to do this again for another 90 days.

The next day.

EVP: John, your system does not work. I can’t get in.

Me: What message are you getting?

EVP: Password Invalid. I shouldn’t be getting this message. I know I put in the password correctly, I’ve been using the same one for three months! Why can’t you fix this system!

Me: Remember yesterday? You changed your password. The password you have been using for the last three months will not work. You have to use the new password you entered the other day.

After the EVP enters the new (correct) password.

EVP: Now it works! What did you do to the system?

Me: AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid Tech Support

February 7, 2006

Tech Support: “Tell me, is the cursor still there?”

Customer: “No, I’m alone right now.”

Stupid Tech Support

February 7, 2006

Tech Support: “Are you reading an error message to me?”

Customer: “No, I’m reading an error message to you.”

Stupid Tech Support