CoWorkers #1: So she was driving me so batshit crazy with her dumbass questions that I wanted to punch her right in her stupid face. But then I thought that anyone who’s that chronically stupid must already have a really difficult life. So my good deed for the day was to just punch her in my imagination.
CoWorkers #2: You truly are a prince among men.
CoWorkers #1: I know, right? Most people don’t get that about me.
Scottish Female CoWorker to Irish Male CoWorker wearing t-shirt with “deadly” on it: You’re not deadly!
Irish CoWorker : It’s Dublin slang. It means “cool.”
Scottish CoWorker : Oh. (pause) You’re not deadly!
(I ring up Grand Theft Auto Vice City and looks at her 7 year old child.)
Me: “Ma’am, I’d like to advise you that this game is rated M for mature. It contains graphic vio–”
Customer: “Listen here, I know video games.”
Son: “Mommy I want it now!”
Me: “You don’t understand, it’s very–”
Customer: *yelling* “Are you going to sell me that game or not?!”
Me: “I will sell you the game, but you must understand that it’s not intended for children.”
Customer: “[Son] gets what he wants.”
(Three hours go by and I’m standing near the register. The same customer walks in looking exasperated.)
Customer: “I’d like to return this.”
Me: “Is there a problem with the disk? We can exchange the disk for free if there’s anything wrong with it.”
Customer: “No. It’s not that. I walked in on my son playing the game. I witnessed him stealing a car, driving up to a prostitute, having sex with her, and then running her over and then get out and collect the cash. When I asked him why he did this, he responded, ‘b**** ain’t gonna need that money, she’s dead!’”
CoWorker #1: Dude, check this out! Robin bought me some bacon-flavored popcorn!
CoWorker #2: Sweet! To thank her you should dress up like that kid from Malcolm in the Middle and pee on her… (pause) What? I heard she was into that. Not so much? Okay…