Stupid Tech Support

Customer: “YOU GAVE ME A VIRUS!”

Tech Support: “I don’t think I’ve got a virus.”

Customer: “Go download [a brand of virus checker], and you’ll see.”

Sometime later I dutifully ran the checker.

Tech Support: “Ok, I ran it. No virus.”

Customer: “You MUST have a virus. You gave it to me. It was all over my system. You must not have run the checker properly.” (yell, rant, rave, repeat checks, etc)

Tech Support: “How did I give it to you?”

Customer: “On those floppies with the latest revision of the software you wrote.”

Tech Support: “The ones you just returned?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Tech Support: “Just a sec…let me check those.” (pause) “Well, I found a virus on the disks. Ahem…seems you were about to pass a virus on to ME.”

Customer: “Ah…lemme get back to you.” (click)

Stupid Tech Support

While I was at college (back in the days of Archimedes computers), I often helped to teach new users the ropes while the teacher concentrated elsewhere. This one sweet girl was very new, and I didn’t mind that she had no concept of the mouse, the screen, and whatnot — she soon got good enough that I could leave her to do some task and help someone else. Pretty soon, however, she was tugging on my chair, and when I went to see what was going on, she said, “My bracelet is stuck in there.”

Eh?

It was wedged into the floppy disk slot. Why? Apparently, the bracelet was annoying her when she typed, so she took it off. She found a small slot on the computer with a happy little door on it and just went ahead and shoved it in. Tech support had to rescue it by taking the thing apart.

Stupid Tech Support

We sell Texas Instuments graphing calculators, the kind you can synch with your computer to put simple programs onto them. A customer called up with a problem his kid was having. They had tried to download a couple programs to the calculator, but neither worked. After a bit more conferring, it transpired that they had tried to put Quake III and WinAmp on the thing.

I wonder how that kid thought he was going to listen to music on his calculator?

Stupid Tech Support

Customer: “Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.”

Tech Support: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It’s defective.

Tech Support: “You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker the right side of the machine and vice versa.”

Customer: (sputter) (click)

Tech Support: (snicker)