I was working security in an art museum when I noticed a gentleman pointing at a 19th century oil with his finger almost touching the surface. I walked over and asked him politely (but firmly) to stay back from the art. Without moving his hand he turned to look at me and said “It’s okay, I am an artist.”

I had heard this one so many times that I was ready to retaliate, and this time I did. I pulled a pencil out of my pocket and held the point as close to his eye as his finger was to the painting and said “It’s okay, I am a writer.”

Then he got the idea and backed up.

Customer: “Pardon, do you have any of the regular fish oil pills?”

Me: “No, I don’t have those. But we’ve got the odorless pills here.”

Customer: “Thanks but, I really just wanted the regular ones.”

Me: “Oh, but these are great. They’ve got no odor at all. If you take these, you won’t smell like fish!”

Customer: “You mean I smell of fish?! Oh my God! I didn’t know! Nobody told me! I don’t believe I smell of fish!”

Me: “Uh, that’s not what I meant.”

Customer: “I didn’t know I smell of fish! Oh, this is awful!”

(The customer opens his phone, dialing.)

Customer, on phone: “Mom? It’s me. Why didn’t you tell me I smell of fish? Of course I do! The guy at the store just said I need to take the odorless pills because I smell of fish!”

Me: *head in hands* “No, wait!”

Customer: “I can’t believe even you didn’t tell me! I feel awful now! How long until it goes away?”