Stupid Customers

Customer: *holding a bottle of wine* “Are you old enough to sell me this?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

(I reach out to take the bottle, but he refuses to hand it to me.)

Customer: “Are you sure that you’re old enough?”

Me: “Yes. I wouldn’t be a cashier otherwise. I’m pretty sure you only have to be eighteen.”

Customer: “Are you eighteen?”

Me: “Nineteen, yes. Would you like me to sell you it?”

(The customer finally releases his hold on the wine. I begin to scan.)

Customer: “Are you sure you’re allowed to? You look pretty young.”

Me: “I’m old enough.”

Customer: “Do I get a discount for calling you young?”

Stupid Customers

Customer: “Your escalators are broken.”

Security: “What do you mean by broken?”

Customer: “They aren’t moving.”

Security: “Okay. Which one is it?”

(The customer leads the security guard to the “escalator” and stands on the top step.)

Customer: “See, broken.”

Security: “Sir, those are stairs.”

——-

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Stupid Customer

Customer: “Could you tell me if this store is bisexual?”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “You know, like men’s clothes and women’s clothes together?”

Me: “Unisex? Yes, ma’am, the store is unisex.”

Customer: “Oh, good. Do you go both ways?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I can help you with all your purchases.”

Stupid Customers

Stupid Customer: “Hey, I want a drink without any alcohol. What do you have?”

Me: “Well, can I get you a soda or something? Maybe some juice?”

Stupid Customer: “Can I get a virgin long island?”

Me: “You mean, you want an iced tea?”

Stupid Customer: “No, I want a virgin long island.”

Me: “But, a long island is mostly alcohol. I mean, there are five shots in it. Then some sour and some coke. Do you want a glass of sour and coke?”

Stupid Customer: “Is that alcoholic?”

(I give up and hand her an iced tea.)

Stupid Customer, turning to a friend: *excitedly* “I got a virgin long island!”