Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”
Tech Support: “What does it say?”
Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”
Customer: “You people owe me a new computer.”
Tech Support: “You’re having trouble with your computer? What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “Well, I bought some memory from you people, and ever since I installed it into my computer, it’s been doing nothing but making grinding noises, and nothing works anymore!”
Tech Support: “Grinding noises?? It shouldn’t be doing that!”
Customer: “I know that! That’s why you people owe me a new computer, and I’m going to charge you for lost downtime and my inconvenience.”
Grinding noises from SIMMs? This was a new one.
Tech Support: “Sir, did you install those chips yourself or did someone do it for you?”
Customer: “I’m not an idiot! I did it myself. I put them right in that slot in the front of the computer, smart aleck.”
Customer: “Hello, is this tech support?”
Tech Support: “Yes, it is; what is the nature of the problem you’re having?”
Customer: “I can’t seem to power this thing up.”
Tech Support: “If you are unable to boot your computer, sir, I suggest you contact the manufacturer. This is Internet technical support.”
Customer: “Computer?”
Tech Support: “Yes, your computer.”
Customer: “I don’t have a computer.”
Tech Support: “What is the item you are having difficulty with?”
Customer: “My new lawn mower.”
Tech Support: (stifling a giggle) “Sir, you have reached Internet technical support. I suggest you double-check the number and try again.”
Customer: “No, I’m sure I got it right. Are you going to send anybody out to fix this damn thing?”
Tech Support: “Sir, we do not support lawn mowers. Please check the number and try it again.”
Customer: “What kind of *@#%! service is this? *&$#^ you! I wasn’t born yesterday, you know!” (click)
Investment bankers usually do quite a bit of work from home and outside normal hours, so the majority of calls we took were nightmarish dial-up issues. My personal favorite was when one older gentleman called because he was unable to dial-in to the network. I made several attempts to walk him through some simple instructions to no avail. Each time he would botch the password or just not listen to me and then power the notebook off without shutting down. I warned him not to do that, because he could corrupt the OS or cause a hardware failure, then tried again. Yet again, he botched the password, instead of re-entering it, he shut off the notebook again. Then he said, “Damn it! Now look what you have done to my laptop. It won’t even power up!” The person I was training over the phone was laughing so hard while I was on mute that he was crying.