Female guest at front desk: I want to do laundry. Give me four and half dollars in quarters.
Desk attendant: I can give you five dollars in quarters with this.
Female guest: I only want four and half dollars.
Desk attendant: M’am, you gave me a five dollar bill.
Female guest: Just give me four and half dollars in quarters!
Desk attendant: Okay. Here’s four-fifty in quarters. And here’s two quarters change.
Female guest: Finally. Thank you.
Me: “Thank you for calling [Fast Food Restaurant]. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Yea, I’m calling about the nuts you put in my son’s ice cream.”
Me: “Um, sir, we don’t sell ice cream here.”
Caller: “Yeah, you did. I came in last night.”
Me: “Sir, this is [Fast Food Restaurant]. We don’t serve ice cream here.”
Caller: “Yeah, you do. For 49 cents. And you put nuts in my son’s ice cream! I’d like to speak to your manager!”
Me: “You’re speaking to her.”
Caller: “Oh, and you said you don’t serve ice cream here?”
Me: “No sir, we don’t. I think you needed the number for [other restaurant] across the street.”
Caller: You own both the restaurants?
Me: “No sir, we don’t. We’re just us.”
Caller: *long pause* “So what kind of desserts do you sell there?”
Me: “Cinnamon Twists.”
Caller: “I hate those things. What else you got?”
Me: “Cinnamon Twists. That’s it.”
Caller: “I heard you say that! What else do you have?”
Me: “That’s it.”
Caller: *longer pause* “Well, can you concoct something for me if I came in?”
Me: “No, sir, we can’t do that.”
Caller: “Oh…”
Me: “Was there anything else you needed help with?”
Caller: “No. Just to clarify, you don’t sell ice cream?”
Me: “That’s right.”
Caller: *long pause* “You should probably hang up now.”
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Customer: “My wife and I were wondering if it would be okay to bring our chihuahua in while we eat?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but health department rules say we can’t allow any animals other than service animals in the restaurant.”
Customer: “Oh, okay. That’s no problem.”
(He leaves, then comes back in with his wife and a dog-shaped bulge underneath his shirt. My manager, who had overheard the conversation, comes to the register.)
Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s a violation of health code to have the dog in the restaurant.”
Customer: “What dog?”
(The dog then pokes his head out of the customer’s shirt.)
Customer: *stammering* “Well, uh, he’ll stay right here. He won’t get out. He’s very clean and has good manners!”
(A wet spot begins to appear on the man’s shirt.)
Customer: “Maybe I’ll just go through the the drive thru…”
Me: “Hello and thank you for calling [travel agency]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Hi, I need to get to Hawaii by Saturday.”
Me: “Okay, let me just see what flights are available.”
Caller: “Flights? As in flying? No way! I am terrified of flying! Can you look up some train tickets for me?”
Me: “Ma’am, Hawaii is in the middle of Pacific Ocean. There is no train service to Hawaii.”
Caller: “What? Hawaii is part of the United States, isn’t it?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am. It is.”
Caller: “Then how can it be in the middle of the Ocean? Fine then, what about taking a boat?”
Me: ”Ma’am, there are cruise services to Hawaii, but I can assure you that the only way you are going to get to Hawaii by Saturday is by flying.”
Caller: “Well, what about those speed boats that drug users use from Cuba?”
Me: “Well, ma’am, those boats don’t have the ability to cross the ocean, and Cuba is only 90 miles from the United States.”
Caller: “90 miles? Sonny boy, Cuba is out in the middle of the ocean. Haven’t you ever looked at a map?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am.”
Caller: “Forget it, I’ll just call another travel agency that knows their history.”
Me: “Do you mean geography?”
Caller: *click*