“You know that anti-virus program they installed on my computer? It kept popping up some sort of message about a trojan or something while I was surfing on the internet. It doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it because I kept getting the message like every other day, so I uninstalled the antivirus program. And now I don’t get that message any more.”
(I am taking a table’s order.)
Me: “What can I get for you today?”
Customer: “I want a bacon cheeseburger, but if you add bacon to it, I don’t want bacon.”
Me: “So, do you want a regular cheeseburger?”
Customer: “No. I want my burger to have bacon on it. But if it comes with any bacon, then I don’t want bacon.”
(I have absolutely no idea what he is asking for, and all his friends seem to be confused too.)
Me: “Okay, just to make sure I am understanding correctly, I am going to repeat what you are asking for.”
Customer: “Okay.”
Me: “You want a bacon cheeseburger, and if there is any bacon on it, you don’t want the bacon.”
Customer: “Right.”
Me: “But you definitely want the bacon on the burger.”
Customer: “Right.”
(Now all his friends are laughing, and I have no idea what to say. Suddenly, the customer realizes what he’s been saying.)
Customer: “PICKLES! Oh my God, I don’t want PICKLES on it!”
Me: “Oh, thank God! I was starting to think I went crazy!”
CoWorkers #1: “Your breath smells very bad.”
CoWorkers #2: (gasps with hand over her mouth) “…That hurts my feelings!”
CoWorkers #1:” Imagine how many people’s feelings you would have hurt if I didn’t tell you.”
CoWorker on phone: Hold on a minute (presses hold then says to Team Leader). John is on the phone and needs to talk to you
Team Leader: Tell him I’m at lunch.
CoWorker: (back on phone) Hi, he says he’s at lunch
Team Leader: (rage in eyes)
CoWorker: Whaat?